October 2011
7 posts
Pin Pain
I am about to take the 5 year old to Sainsbury’s, to get some Halloween stuff.
“Could you get me some cash while you’re there?” asks the mum. “Take my card. The pin is 4532”.
“Sure”, I say, storing the numbers in my brain.
We arrive at Sainsbury’s and head to the cashpoint.
“Let me see that card”, says the five year old. “That’s not yours. That’s mummy’s. Did you steal it?”
“No. She let me use...
Gullible
I am playing snakes and ladders with the 5 year old, when the housekeeper discreetly beckons me into the laundry room. I telI the 5 year old that I am popping to the loo, to throw her off the scent.
“Close the door”, says the housekeeper.
“What’s up?”
“Just close the door.”
I close the door. She is animated, thrilled.
“I was just doing the laundry, and I always check pockets, you know, so nothing...
Sweets and Key Ring
It is the 5 year old’s first day at Sunday school. When I arrive at the mansion, she is playing snakes and ladders, on her own, in her army outfit.
“We have to leave in five minutes! You’re not ready!”
“I’m not going.”
“Why?”
“It’s boring.”
“It will be so much fun. There will be amazing stories and you’ll play games and-”
“Will there be sweets and key rings?”
“Huh?”
“I’m only going if I get...
Pussy
It is Saturday evening. The mother has given permission for a film to be watched. The 13 year old, the 5 year old, and I, are gathered around the DVD shelf.
“I want to watch Waterloo Road”, asserts the 5 year old, “What is Waterloo Road?”
“We’re watching Borat”, says the 13 year old.
“No. The Notebook”, says the 5 year old.
“That’s gay”, says the 13 year old.
“It’s not gay”, argues the 5 year...
Salt 'n' Pepper
Salt ‘n’ pepper
I hand the 5 year old a Cheestring.
“Salt”, she demands.
“It’s a Cheestring, you are not having salt on it”.
“Pepper?”
“Or pepper”.
She eats it with a disgusted face.
“It’s bland. Needs salt ‘n’pepper”.
Later, I hand her a Yakult.
“Salt”, she demands.
“It’s a Yakult, you are not having salt in it”.
“Pepper?”
“Or pepper”.
She drinks it with a disgusted face.
“It’s bland. Needs...
Paths
I take the five year old to a place called The Amazing Maize Maze. It is a maze made from the crop, maize.
A man hands us a card, on which you are to collect stickers from various checkpoints. He asks us:
“Have you been before?”
“No, we haven-”
“Yes”, interrupts the five year old, and marches ahead.
I follow her into the dense labyrinth. She sprints around frantically, running into dead end after...
We are all going to die
I am eating dinner with the family, and some relatives of theirs. After dinner, the adults are going out, and I am to look after the kids: seven of them.
There is general chit chat and I am doing my best to be politely involved, but also to hide completely.
A brief moment of silence ensues, and in this silence, the eight year old cousin, sitting to my right, pipes up:
“We are all going to die”,...
September 2011
4 posts
Retart
I am loading the dishwasher. I am trying to fit a large saucepan into an impossibly small slot. Ashamed of my misjudgement, I utter these words:
“Oh, you retard”.
“What’s a retart?” asks the 5 year old behind me. I am grateful she has misheard it.
“It’s a bad word, don’t say it”, I bark back.
“Retart retart retart retart retart”, she mocks, dancing.
“If you keep saying it, I will put you in the...
